What Should You Know When Dating Someone With Relationship Trauma?

Learn how to support a partner with relationship trauma and navigate their triggers while still establishing a healthy and intimate relationship.

When someone has experienced relationship trauma, the journey of a new relationship can be challenging, filled with emotional hurdles and moments of tension. However, understanding what it means to date someone with such a trauma history is crucial for fostering a supportive, healthy, and loving relationship. Here are the complexities of dating someone who has experienced past trauma, what it means for their healing journey, and how to navigate a relationship while being sensitive to their emotional needs.

What is relationship trauma?

Relationship trauma refers to the psychological impact caused by harmful or abusive experiences within romantic or intimate relationships, including emotional, physical, or sexual abuse, infidelity, abandonment, or betrayal. People who have experienced relationship trauma often carry emotional scars that affect their interactions in future relationships, leading to difficulties with trust, intimacy, and communication in their current dating life. 

As a result of their past relationship trauma, survivors may have heightened emotional reactions or avoid certain situations that remind them of their abusive partner.

The impact of trauma on relationships

Those who experience relationship trauma often struggle with mental health disorders, such as anxiety, depression, borderline personality disorder, and PTSD, after the fact. These disorders can significantly impact their ability to trust others, form healthy connections, and regulate emotions in their current relationship. Here are two conditions commonly linked with relationship trauma:

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)

PTSD is a mental health condition commonly associated with trauma survivors, often developing after a traumatic event or abusive relationship. PTSD symptoms can include flashbacks, nightmares, hypervigilance, difficulty trusting others, and emotional numbness, all of which can create significant challenges in a romantic relationship. 

Furthermore, when a person struggles with relationship PTSD, they may experience heightened emotional reactions, such as irritability or outbursts, making it difficult for both partners to navigate conflict and maintain emotional closeness.

Borderline personality disorder (BPD)

Borderline personality disorder is a personality disorder that may develop in response to past traumatic experiences, in which people may experience intense emotions, unstable relationships, and difficulty regulating feelings. Symptoms of BPD could include a fear of abandonment, self-harm, and unpredictable emotional reactions, and while these behaviors can strain a relationship, they are often rooted in deep emotional pain from past trauma, not intentional manipulation.

Those with BPD may also struggle with a fluctuating sense of self, often feeling unsure of who they are or how they fit into a relationship, which can further complicate their interactions with others.

Symptoms of relationship trauma

Relationship trauma can manifest itself emotionally, physically, and behaviorally. Here are some common symptoms:

1. Emotional symptoms

Emotionally, a partner may struggle with anxiety, depression, or feelings of worthlessness, which are often a direct result of traumatic experiences. People may also experience intense emotional reactions, such as mood swings or emotional numbness, making it difficult to maintain consistent communication or dynamics in a relationship. 

While these feelings can create tension, it’s important to approach a partner with empathy, as these symptoms are not a reflection of how they feel about you but rather a manifestation of unresolved trauma.

2. Physical symptoms 

The physical symptoms of relationship trauma can manifest as a result of emotional and psychological stress. These symptoms may include chronic fatigue, sleep disturbances like insomnia or nightmares, headaches, stomach issues, and muscle tension. Some trauma survivors may also experience heart palpitations, dizziness, and a weakened immune system due to the prolonged stress. 

These physical symptoms are often the body’s way of reacting to unresolved emotional pain, highlighting the need for both mental health support and physical care. 

3. Behavioral symptoms 

Certain trauma responses might also be displayed as behavioral symptoms, such as withdrawal, difficulty with intimacy, or avoiding certain triggers, in which a person is reacting to emotional pain in ways that may seem confusing or frustrating. However, these behaviors are often a protective mechanism designed to shield the victim from further emotional harm and are not intentional. It is important to understand this and approach such a situation in the current relationship with patience and compassion.

Childhood trauma and relationship trauma

For many trauma survivors, the foundation of their relationship trauma can be traced back to childhood trauma, such as neglect or abuse. Such a traumatic experience in childhood can shape a person’s emotional and relational patterns, often bleeding into their adult romantic relationships, complicating their ability to trust, communicate, and form bonds with others. 

As a result, the victim may have difficulty setting boundaries, fearing rejection or abandonment, and struggle to recognize healthy relationship dynamics, even when they are present. 

How to support a partner with relationship trauma

Healing from past trauma is a complex and non-linear process, as a survivor may experience setbacks, days of progress, and moments of emotional pain. As a partner, it’s important to be patient and understanding, knowing that healing takes time and will involve ups and downs. Here are three ways to support a partner who has experienced relationship trauma. 

1. Set boundaries

Establishing clear and healthy boundaries is critical when dating someone with past trauma, as a partner may have difficulty doing so on their own due to past emotional damage. They may struggle with knowing where their needs end and where the other partners begin. Helping them establish their needs and desires can create a safe and nurturing environment for both partners in the relationship.

In addition, it’s important to recognize when a partner may need space to process emotions or cope with trauma symptoms. If they pull away or seem distant, it may not be a reflection of their feelings towards the relationship or indicate relationship issues, but rather a trauma response from their past experiences. Offering them the space they need without taking it personally is a vital part of supporting their healing.

2. Build trust

Trust is often one of the most difficult aspects to rebuild when dating someone with relationship trauma. Past betrayals or abusive experiences can make it difficult for a partner to trust anyone fully, even if there has been nothing done to break that trust. Trust-building involves patience and understanding, as a partner with relationship trauma may have emotional triggers that cause them to react out of fear or insecurity. 

By creating a safe and supportive environment where respect is consistently shown, a partner can be eased of their concerns and begin to develop a deeper sense of trust over time.

3. Practice consistent communication

In order to rebuild trust, it is important to be consistent in actions, such as showing up for a partner, being reliable, and communicating openly about feelings. Demonstrating that you are trustworthy through your actions will help ease your partner’s fears and slowly rebuild the foundation of trust. Being honest and transparent, as well as encouraging them to do the same, will help create a dialogue where both partners feel heard and understood. By actively listening to a partner’s concerns and validating their emotions, any insecurities can be addressed to build a stronger and more trusting connection. 

Maintaining intimacy in the relationship

Emotional intimacy can be difficult for someone with a history of relationship trauma, especially if a partner has experienced emotional neglect or abandonment. As a result, they might struggle with vulnerability, fear of rejection, or difficulty trusting that emotional needs will be met. Through steady emotional support and understanding, a safe environment will start to form for the partner where an intimate relationship can grow.

Sometimes, a partner may experience trauma resulting in struggles with physical intimacy, such as sexual assault or physical abuse. It is crucial to approach physical intimacy with patience and communication, as a partner may have triggers that make intimacy feel unsafe. Discussing each other’s boundaries, desires, and needs around physical touch helps to ensure that both partners feel comfortable and respected while maintaining an intimate part of the relationship. 

Therapy for relationship trauma

Therapy, such as trauma-informed therapy and individual therapy, can play an important role in helping trauma survivors work through their pain. One common therapeutic approach that can be utilized in trauma therapy is cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), which can help the trauma survivor identify and challenge negative thought patterns while addressing deeper emotional wounds. 

Additionally, being supportive throughout a partner’s therapy is essential, but it is important to remember that being a spouse is not being a therapist or relationship expert. By encouraging and respecting their commitment to therapy, a partner can build a foundation for long-term recovery and emotional well-being. 

How Charlie Health can help

If you or a loved one are struggling with trauma, Charlie Health is here to help. Charlie Health’s virtual Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) provides more than once-weekly mental health treatment for dealing with serious mental health conditions, including anxiety, depression, and trauma-related conditions. Our expert clinicians incorporate evidence-based therapies into individual counseling, family therapy, and group sessions. With treatment, managing your mental health is possible. Fill out the form below or give us a call to start healing today.