How Long Does It Actually Take to Get Over Your Ex?

Let’s be real: Breakups suck. Rarely is a split easy, which is likely why there are hundreds of breakup songs out there. Whether the relationship ended amicably or messily, the emotional toll of a breakup can leave you feeling completely distraught. 

If you’re in the throes of a painful split, you’re probably wondering, how long does it take to get over a breakup? The breakup healing process is deeply personal, but understanding the typical stages of a breakup can help you manage this difficult time. Here’s what you need to know about the emotional healing timeline after a breakup, the stages of grief after the end of a relationship, coping strategies, and more.

How long does it take to get over a breakup?

It’s normal to wonder how long the pain of a breakup will last and when you’ll get over someone. “There’s no ‘typical’ length of time to get over a breakup. It really varies for everyone,” says Alysson Thewes, LCSW, a Charlie Health Primary Therapist. It could be weeks, months, or even a year. You might have heard the rumor that it takes half the amount of time you were together to recover from a breakup, but this is a myth. It could take shorter or longer.

The stages of grief after a breakup 

When going through a breakup, you experience the stages of grief. As with any grieving process, the timeline looks different for everyone, with the pace depending on many factors. The five stages of grief, explained in the context of a breakup, are as follows and might help you contextualize where you are in the breakup healing journey: 

1. Denial

The initial phase involves denial that the relationship is over, which often includes shock, especially in the case of a non-mutual breakup, says Asha Clark, LPC, a Charlie Health Primary Therapist.

2. Anger

Once denial subsides, the anger kicks in, Clark says. You might feel feelings of resentment or even rage towards your ex. Emotions are running high, and you might blame them for the breakup or accuse them of wrongdoing. 

3. Bargaining

In this stage, you might try to reverse the breakup and get back together, even if you know it’s extremely unlikely. Clark says you might say things like, “If I do this, we’ll get back together,” or “What do you need from me to be a better person?”

4. Depression

This is the stage of grief most associated with breakups. You might feel intense sadness, loneliness, and hopelessness as you mourn the loss of your partner, the relationship, and what it stood for. Just as with clinical depression, you may lose interest in activities you used to enjoy, lack motivation, and want to socially isolate. 

5. Acceptance

In the final stage of grief, you’ll fully come to terms with the fact that the relationship is over. You might not feel fully “over” your ex, but you’ve accepted the end of the relationship, and you’re healing. 

Not to mention, you might move back and forth between the stages of grief, Thewes says. It’s important to allow yourself to feel your feelings, even though these difficult emotions aren’t fun. Sweeping your feelings under the rug and avoiding confronting your emotions can ultimately cause the grieving process to take longer, Thewes adds. Let the difficult emotions come up, knowing that it’s totally normal to struggle emotionally during a painful breakup, so listen to those sad songs and cry it out. Feeling is key to healing. 

Factors that influence the breakup healing process

Breakups take different times to get over since so many factors play into the healing process. Here are some examples:

1. The duration of the relationship

Long, multi-year relationships or marriages typically take longer to heal from. You aren’t just saying goodbye to your partner, but also coping with all the memories from building a life together, says Thewes. 

2. If you live together

Due to financial reasons or otherwise, it isn’t always feasible for one partner to move out after a split. In this case, you have to navigate a new norm of living together while broken up, which can lead to tension and confusing emotions. “If you’re going through a separation or a breakup and you still have to see and talk to that person every day, there potentially won’t be closure,” Thewes says. 

3. If you have children or pets together

Having kids together can complicate the breakup and impact the healing process, says Clark. Co-parenting leads to continued interaction with your ex-partner, making it harder to create a healthy emotional distance and move on. The same is true with sharing “custody” of pets. Not to mention, there’s the added complication of caring for your kids and their emotions surrounding the breakup, which can also be taxing. 

4. If you have mutual friends or hobbies 

It’s common for couples to share friend groups or hobbies, which might lead you to see your ex more often. This can make healing harder, Clark says. You may struggle to keep your distance and establish boundaries as you navigate the new normal without throwing away your relationships with mutual friends or giving up hobbies you enjoy.

5. If you’re seeing them on social media

Social media platforms like Instagram and Facebook make it all too easy to keep tabs on your ex after a breakup. While it’s tempting to see what they’re up to, research shows that seeing your ex on socials negatively impacts the breakup healing process, resulting in more longing for your partner, greater negative feelings, and less personal growth. This can include actively searching for their profile or being exposed to it on your feed (if you follow them). 

6. Your attachment style

Attachment theory suggests that early relationships with your primary caregivers deeply impact your future relationships, especially romantic ones, later in life. You might have a harder time if you don’t have a healthy attachment style. “During a breakup, we can be so triggered. So many of our childhood wounds can come to the surface,” Thewes says. For example, if you have an anxious attachment style, you might find it harder to let go, ruminate, and blame yourself. 

7. Personal resilience

Some people simply bounce back more quickly than others. Those with more emotional resilience may be able to move on and heal at a faster rate. In the case of breakups, individuals with a secure attachment style tend to have higher resilience, research shows. 

How to recover from a breakup

While you move through the grieving process, it’s important to take care of yourself and take proactive steps to heal. Here are a few coping strategies you can try:

1. Go “no contact” (if possible)

It’s hard to cut off communication with someone who you likely spoke to every day, but following the no-contact rule can help you focus on healing rather than staying hung up on your ex. Thewes says this allows you to truly grieve and close this chapter while you mourn the loss of the relationship. However, this isn’t always possible, especially if you share children, pets, or financial assets. In these cases, you can consider setting boundaries to limit contact outside of your shared responsibilities. 

2. Lean on your loved ones 

Social support is crucial for a breakup, Clark says. You might just want to be alone and completely isolate, but try to fight this desire. Your friends and family can help you cope with your emotions and provide a shoulder to cry on. Plus, research suggests that social support post-breakup can foster personal growth. 

3. Use distress tolerance skills

A bad breakup can lead to super heightened emotions that might feel difficult to control or cope with. If you’re feeling super overwhelmed, Clark recommends trying “TIPP skills,” which are a principle of dialectical behavior therapy (DBT). TIPP stands for:

• Temperature — like ice, a cold shower, or a hot bath — to ground yourself and reduce anxiety
• Intense exercise to boost your mood and relieve stress
• Paced breathing (try inhaling for 2-4 seconds and exhaling for 4-6 seconds) can help regulate your nervous system
• Progressive muscle relaxation paired with slow breathing to release tension and calm down

4. Journal

Use a journal to brain dump and write down however you’re feeling –– whether that’s sadness, anger, frustration, regret, guilt, or anything else. Putting your thoughts onto paper allows you to slow down your thinking, helping you move through the grieving process, says Thewes. Reading it back can also help serve as a “birds-eye-view” of your emotions to better understand how you’re feeling, she says.

5. Stop looking at them online

Unfollow your ex or at least “mute” them. Constant reminders of heartbreak popping up on your feed will hurt you and keep you hung up on them for longer. Resist the urge to look them up and see what they’re doing, if they’re following anyone new or dating a new person. If you lack self-control, block them so you can’t see their content at all. This also applies to looking at old pictures or videos of the two of you (not just those that were posted on social media).  

6. Practice self-compassion

It’s easy to get down on yourself when going through a painful breakup. For example, you might feel like you’re “not good enough” or unloveable. Counteract these negative thoughts by offering yourself kindness.

“Offer yourself a reminder, ‘This is a really hard chapter that I’m navigating. I can choose to engage in self-care, I can choose to have self-compassion. I can choose to lean into personal growth, and I will move through this.”

You can also try to talk to yourself with the same compassion that you would show a loved one going through a breakup. 

7. Focus on personal growth

Now is the time to focus on you. Reconnect with yourself, take time to reconnect with your desires, and think about where you want to go from here. How can you be the best version of yourself in this new chapter of life? 

“A lot of times we put aside who we are and what we want to do while we’re in a relationship,” Thewes says. “The intention of learning about ourselves, our attachment styles, and leaning into goals allows us to shift that focus away from the past and onto the future.”

8. Know when to seek professional help

It’s normal to struggle emotionally in the midst of breakup recovery. However, there are some instances where you might need professional mental health support. Red flags that you should seek support are if you’re self-harming or having suicidal thoughts as a result of the breakup, Clark says. This is a mental health emergency. You can call or text the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline for immediate support. Additionally, if you’re experiencing intense depression symptoms to a point where you’re finding it hard to function, especially after an extended period of time, Clark says you should consider therapy to help you get back on your feet.

How Charlie Health can help

Coping with a mental health condition while getting over a breakup can make things even more difficult. If you or a loved one are struggling with your mental health, Charlie Health is here to help. Charlie Health’s virtual Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) provides more than once-weekly mental health treatment for people dealing with serious mental health conditions. Our expert clinicians incorporate evidence-based therapies into individual counseling, family therapy, and group sessions. With this holistic treatment and professional support, managing your mental health is possible. Fill out the form below or give us a call to start healing today.